As the days have gone, the pain has lessened a little. It almost hurts me to admit that... I have not forgotten, and I definitely have my moments where the tears just flow uncontrollably at uncontrollable moments. But. There are moments where I experience joy, where I am able to look at my children and be completely in the moment, enjoying their crazy antics and silliness. There are times where I am actually able to lift up my arms in worship and adoration to a loving God without hesitation or anger.
I can't tell you why.... or how... because there are still moments where none of the above can happen but that is OK. I am still walking through this, a part of my heart will forever be in heaven and no matter the amount of time that passes by, I will always miss the life I never got to know.
There are some triggers... and this is by no means a blow at the medical industry or insurance companies, but the two of those together have been the cause for most of the breakdowns lately. Just a few short days after the miscarriage, we received a bill in the mail for the pregnancy test that I had taken a month earlier, the very one that had confirmed I was pregnant. The very test that brought peace of mind and really got us into "baby mode." When I opened that bill and saw what it was for, I was furious for so many reasons! J had to take care of it and get it out of sight, I could not even imagine how just three days after being in the hospital I could be receiving that bill.
I have known in the back of my head that there were going to be a lot of bills coming our way. We have great insurance but thankfully or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, we have been very healthy this year and weren't even close to our deductible (thank you Dave Ramsey - not really a plug, but a plug! Great resource on finances). I could not have imagined how each one of the bills coming in would be like a stab to my heart.... Just one more reminder of our loss. Yes, the crazy numbers on those bills slightly freaks me out, but it is more how reading through the itemized bill almost takes me back to the exact moment of each treatment or medical support. The fears, the pain, the uncertainty all come flying back at me and it is like slamming into a brick wall.
I know that this is just one more step of walking through this process. It is one more way that I am being forced to accept what has happened, even if I am not ready or wanting to.
Praying for all of us today that we would experience God... experience Him here in our weakness, here in our sadness, here in our hope to be able to have hope again someday.
"Everything" Tim Hughes
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