Not only was it not enough to experience a miscarriage, but the amount of blood loss threw my body through the ringer! The very next day after losing our sweet Baby Raisin, I woke up with a pounding headache, the type where my head was literally pounding with each heart beat. I was dizzy, weak and sick to my stomach. I gave in and took pain medication prescribed by the doctor (something I never do) because I had never experienced such an awful headache before! It did absolutely nothing. J called the emergency on call doctor and they did not seem to think it was anything to be worried about and only said if it got worse to go to the ER.
At that point, I don't think that headache could have gotten worse. It continued at that pain level for two days. I was angry at God. How could I lose my baby and then have to deal with more physical pain beyond that which is typical of a miscarriage? I couldn't even cry, mourn or process the events of the previous day without having my heart rate go through the roof - creating such a headache that brought me to a fetal position literally begging God to make it stop. I did not leave my bed that day. I watched my family from a distance, watched as the littles giggled and watched as J tried his best to create some type of normalcy for the sake of our family. Tears slipped from the corner of my eyes as my littles came up to me to give me kisses and to share their "blankies" with mama in an effort to make me feel better.
This is when I became torn... torn between the need to love and take care of my two children that were at that time trying to take care of mama AND grieving for Baby Raisin. I wasn't ready for the world to keep going, but it was. Was I supposed to just get up and move on like nothing had happened?
What are the "rules" when it comes to grieving? Does it really matter how long you knew the person? Does a mother of a 25 year old child grieve longer than a mother that lost her child at 11 weeks? Who determines the amount of time needed? How are you supposed to grieve the loss of a child that you never actually held? Do you dress in black? Tear all of your clothes off and scream? Do you have a funeral? Do you go back to work as if nothing happened? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I remember looking at my second child the day he was born wondering how in the world I could love him so much when I had only just "met" him. A mother at any stage of being a mother, is willing to do anything to help/protect her child. From choking down prenatal vitamins, giving up different foods that they may have previously enjoyed, undergoing uncomfortable visits to the doctor, to staying awake all hours of the night to make sure her newest addition is fed and breathing. Mothers instinctually sacrifice and will do anything to provide and protect because there is a love there the moment a child is conceived, a love that can not be defined with words, but a love that is deeper and more real than anything one can imagine. That love is not lessened when one only knows her child while the child is still in utero. The pain of losing a loved one, no matter the length of time, is real.
I have come to the conclusion that grief will look different for everyone. It is processed differently by everyone BUT it must be processed... It must be met head on but I don't think the grieving process ever comes to an end, it may just be less intense, the tears may be fewer and father between, but the pain and sadness of losing a loved one will always be a part of our hearts.
What did it look like for me and our family? We talk about Baby Raisin often and our love for our child in heaven. We actually went to a memorial service for a friend's daughter and in a way, it was a way for me to find some closure as well. I am writing this blog as a memorial for our child so that his/her memory will live on forever. When things slow down a bit, we plan on releasing a Chinese lantern into the heavens with our prayers and thoughts written on it (in Taiwan, it is a tradition during the Lantern Festival to buy paper lanterns, write wishes or prayers on it and release it into the sky). I have well wishes from friends that I have put in my journal and flowers that are dried and will be put in a vase. I am still looking for the best way to remember Baby Raisin, some type of keepsake, or reminder of the life that once was and is no longer. Something that when the littles see it in the future, it will be a reminder to them that they also have a sister or brother playing with God in heaven waiting to see them someday.
I am praying through tears that if you are reading this and have experienced loss that you would also be met by comfort. I am praying that you will have a safe place, a safe moment, even if it is just in the shower for 5 minutes where you can cry your heart out, where you can pound the walls and scream. A time to be real and know that it is ok to be sad and to hurt, that there is no right or wrong and there is no time limit. Know that you are loved.
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